Dashingly Villainous

As you may have observed from the previous post, D is starting to feel a bit better, even though he’s still signed off work for the rest of the week. He hasn’t been eating properly and is looking a bit skinny, but he’s doing his best to remedy this, padding round the kitchen with a bottle of strawberry milk in one hand and what looks like a bacon, cheese and sauerkraut sandwich in the other. In just under 3 weeks he has become impressively bearded, which I’m pretending not to like but secretly think makes him look dashingly villainous.

I’m led to believe there may be other benefits accruing to ladies with bearded suitors; especially those of us who defoliate our lady gardens. However I can’t yet comment on this as, for as long as I pretend not to like his beard, D is pretending to be too weak for foreplay.

He was not, though, too weak to attend to my moral correction, following my escapade last Friday. I’m currently sporting six livid stripes on my bum, which seeing as I have to spend all day tomorrow sitting on a hard chair doing six hours of exams, is particularly mean of him.

Meanwhile, ‘friend wars’ has broken out. My friends Jim and Itsuko have been dating for around three months now. They were always a deeply unlikely couple but everything seemed to be going well until today when Itsuko rang up in tears. Apparently it’s all over as a result of something he’s tried to make her do which she’s too shy to talk about. Well this won’t do. I immediately ring Jim.

“I’m bursting to know what it was you tried to make her do! Oh, and I’m very sorry to hear you’ve split up as well. Now what was it?”

“I’m not telling you; you’ll put it in your blog.”

“Was it terribly disgusting?”

“No. You’d have done it like a shot.”

“The list of things I’d do like a shot is pretty long…”

“It wasn’t terribly disgusting; it was just yet another indication that we’re not very well suited. If it hadn’t been this it would have been something else.”

“Are you going to drown your sorrows in random, meaningless sex?”

“I always do; which was partly the problem.”

There’s a long Jewish tradition of matchmakers. Whatever the opposite of this is, that’s what I am. I’ve been appointed by both parties to effect the return of personal possessions, door keys and some photographs that I am under strict orders not to look at.