Well-Meaning But Failed

Well my first day of gainful employment has passed without major diplomatic incident. I'm on menswear, with Marina and Estelle to keep me in check and we're looking after what I would describe as the store's Italian designer knock-off range. I ask them what kind of men buy the Italian designer knock-off range. "Oh, y'know, dicks," says Estelle, looking bored. Marina looks shocked. "Ignore her, she's off men because her boyfriend got a handjob in a gay bar." And Marina proceeds to extol the commercial and personal qualities of our customer base, and the value and quality of the clothes, with particular reference to over-stitching, lining and selvages (no, I'm not sure either). Marina is clearly going to go far in retail but for the moment I'm more interested in Estelle.

So far, the most difficult things are: not yet knowing the answer to any questions asked by customers, which makes me look a bit thick; working the cash register, which is totally counter-intuitive and makes me want to hit all the buttons at once and then cry; and keeping on top of what stock is and isn't selling. There's a real-time ordering system that works through the registers and orders stock into the shop, but during the course of each day we're supposed to keep an hour-by-hour tally of what's selling and move the stock around accordingly. Every so often a supervisor will bear down on you and ask a startling question like, "Are trousers down?" and you're expected to know the answer.

Because I'm on the early shift, I get to finish at 4, and by 3.30 I was wilting a bit, shooting surreptitious glances at D's watch (why don't I have a watch of my own?) and trying not to think about the soles of my feet. And that's when C came in and bought a suit. It would be cynical of me to suggest it's the only suit he owns, but it can't be far off it, so well done him. I failed to talk him into the leather holdall, which I had selected for him not on the basis of its aesthetic qualities or any perceived need on his part, but because it's the most expensive item in the accessories range. This was afterwards agreed by Marina and Estelle to have been a well-meaning but failed attempt at a cross sale. "With a suit you should be able to sell at least 3 shirts, 2 ties and if he's under 35 you should be able to send him away with cufflinks as well."

I didn't point out that C isn't under 35 because that would betray our elaborate 'never seen each other before' charade and then the girls might think his loud but apparently casual remarks about the excellence of my service weren't sincerely meant. But I have texted him and explained he got his role as 'random male shopper' all wrong and he has to come back and buy 3 shirts, 2 ties and some cufflinks.

Tomorrow, because I've been good, I'm going to be put in sole charge of monitoring and making decisions about knitwear. Sadly, my decision-making powers won't extend to just carrying the whole lot out into the street and giving it away to homeless people. I suspect that the designer responsible for the knitwear was the only member of the team who wasn't allowed to go to Italy and so had to base his designs on vague memories of 1950s knitting patterns. I understand there is a long-unclaimed prize for the first person to sell the beige, zip-up cardigan with suede shoulder insets to anyone under the age of 60.

Comments

[The King of Swing]

Welcome to the world of retail ... this about as exciting as it gets I'm afraid!!